


Out of His Own Hat

by marginaliana



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Multi, Pre-Deathly Hallows, fest fic, fest: sunandsmut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-02
Updated: 2006-08-02
Packaged: 2017-10-05 16:04:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/pseuds/marginaliana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry, Ron, and Hermione have to go to unusual lengths to deal with one of the Horcruxes. The Sorting Hat helps out. Written pre-Deathly Hallows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of His Own Hat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hildigunnur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hildigunnur/gifts).



> Obviously, the hat can see. Because it's magic. Beta by chaotic-vanity.

Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat. – Ben Hecht

\-----

"Bugger!" thought Harry, and he thought it very loudly.

_They never know what's best for them,_ thought the Sorting Hat, careful to keep his musings to himself. _A thousand or more years of guiding the Headmasters and heroes of this bloody school and not a one of them ever really listens. One of these years I'm going to chuck this whole 'ancient and wise object' gig completely._ He knew he wouldn't, partially because he was bound to the school by magic, but also because he really did feel responsible for the brats. _At least this bit of helping the humans keep from fucking it up should be somewhat enjoyable. It's nice work, being the western world's only Horcrux expert._

"Come now, Harry," he encouraged Harry's mind, "surely it's not such a terrible idea as all that." Harry snorted and Hermione's inquisitive look became decidedly impatient. The hat laughed as Harry's eyes followed Ron's soothing caress of her arm, then laughed again as Harry cursed himself viciously.

"Look," thought Harry, his mental voice strained. "There has got to be another way. We didn't bloody have to do this for any of the other Horcruxes!"

Before the hat could reply, Hermione broke in.

"Harry! Stop stalling and tell us what we need to do!"

"Yeah, mate," said Ron. "Whatever it is, we'll do it. We're not giving you up just 'cause old Voldie went crazy spreading his soul around."

The hat enjoyed Harry's warm feeling of pleasure. The boy was upset, he knew, about the whole "having your head made into a Horcrux" thing. Who wouldn't be? But he had friends who had patiently talked him out of his earlier depression, friends he loved and who loved him in return. That hat had little patience for depression in the face of such riches. His friends were all long dead, and he spent his days trapped in a stuffy office with a variety of pompous portraits. Now _there_ was cause for depression.

"Hem-hem!" said Hermione sarcastically, tapping her foot. The hat finally spoke, this time aloud.

"You've got to have sex, all right? There. Not so bad once you come out with it, is it?" Harry blushed and tore the hat off his head, tossing him into one of the Headmistress' cushy chairs. He sagged into another, burying his face in his hands.

"Come on, boy, you're not a total innocent," said the hat in an exasperated tone as Ron and Hermione merely gaped. "You've had a girlfriend before - that _nice_ Ginny girl." The hat enjoyed Harry's shocked look at his innuendo.

"Yes, but we didn't… Ron, I swear!"

Ron cleared his throat. "S'okay. Look, Harry, I know you and Ginny aren't…anymore. I know she said..." He swallowed. "But she might... or, or we could find someone. It's okay."

Harry groaned and the hat smirked.

"Oh no, Mister Weasley," he delighted in informing the young man. "It's not that he's got to have sex with one of the many lovely ladies of Hogwarts, nice as that might be. No, he's got to have sex with you." Ron's mouth dropped open. The hat turned towards Hermione, upon whom understanding had begun to dawn. "Both of you."

There was a shocked silence, then Ron began to splutter.

"Well, look, Hermione and I—"

"We're going to do whatever it takes," she interrupted, giving Ron a look that the hat couldn't quite interpret. Ron flushed and gestured for her to speak with an exasperated wave of his arm.

"I can't ask you to do this," protested Harry. "You and Ron are together, you love each other, and I can't… I won't come between you."

"Harry," she said, as if he were the dumbest first year, "of course we're going to do it. If there were another way, I would have found it by now. All that stuff we said – it isn't going to change just because the solution is a bit…"

"Weird? Creepy? Disgusting?"

"I was going to say unorthodox. Is it… do you find it disgusting?"

"He certainly doesn't," piped the hat, enjoying himself immensely.

"Shut up!"

"Oh, sure, don't listen to me. I've only been in your head."

Harry looked down, ashamed. "I don't think it's disgusting," he mumbled. The hat had enjoyed rifling through Harry's memories. The boy had tried not to think that way about Ron and Hermione. They loved each other and they deserved some privacy, he'd told himself. Only when the loneliness became too much had he allowed himself a few sparse moments of imagining himself with one or the other of them, imagining what it would be like to be the recipient of the loving looks they directed at each other. Those memories were quite explicit. "Or any of those things. But… in the Muggle world…"

"It's pretty much accepted in the magical world," Ron broke in. "I mean, lots of people have different groupings. It's not like two men can't have kids."

"Two men can have kids?"

"Well, yeah… there's a potion, I think."

"We're getting off the topic," said Hermione. "It's not wrong or creepy or weird, I promise you, Harry. And Ron and I… won't mind." Ron grinned and Hermione nudged him sharply.

Harry gave them a speculative look. "Are you sure? I don't want things to be weird between us."

"It's worth being weird to have you safe," said Hermione softly. Harry could only nod.

"If we're quite finished," the hat said impatiently, "can we get on with it? I can't hang out here all day waiting for you three to dance around the subject. I have rhymes to write." The three of them glared at him, but he took it in stride, eager to get to the main event. _Rhymes, schmimes,_ the hat thought to himself. _I haven't been this excited in fifty years._ Still, he said none of that, not wanting to scare them off what was, after all, a necessary task.

"Fine," said Ron, rolling his eyes. "Finish telling us what we've got to do and we'll leave you in peace."

The hat sighed. What had a Hogwarts education come to in this day and age? "None of you knows a thing about sex magic, do you? You can't leave me in peace. I've got to be the one doing the spell."

"What?!"

"There are certain roles in sex magic. You've got the focus," the hat inclined his tip towards Harry, "the magical infusers – that's you two – and the vessel. That's me."

"Why can't one of us be the vessel?" asked Hermione.

"Normally you could," said the hat. "But this spell requires quite a bit of energy. He'll need both of you to create a sort of circuit – the magic will flow in and out and around, replenished by the sharing between you. It needs two people, and it needs to be you, the people he trusts most. Plus, I'm the expert; I already know what needs to be done. We could bring in someone else as the vessel, but then there'd be a lot of tedious explanation. Don't you want to get it over with? Destroy the thing and get on with your lives?"

Ron and Hermione exchanged another unreadable glance.

"I promise," continued the hat, "that I won't be in your way. I'll just be sitting quietly on Harry's head directing him, and he can tell you what you need to do. When the soul fragment is released, there'll be a sort of backlash. It's my job to take care of that, and your job to take care of each other. If you know what I mean." He waggled his brim suggestively.

"Is there anything else you haven't told us?" demanded Harry. "Like we have to do it in the middle of Diagon Alley on a Thursday wearing a pink bunny suit?" Ron snorted.

"Well…" said the hat slyly, and Harry clenched his fists. "Ha! Just kidding. That's all you need to know for now. Once the spell begins, I'll direct you. It should be rather straightforward. So to speak." Hermione rolled her eyes as the hat snickered and Harry blushed again. Ron's grin got bigger.

"Fine, fine," said Harry, rubbing his fingers along the bridge of his nose. "Is… can…" he hesitated. "Where should we do this? Grimmauld Place?"

"We can't remove the hat from the castle," Hermione reminded him. _If only,_ thought the hat bitterly. _None of my creators even thought twice about trapping me in this bloody place. _

"Right." No one moved.

"Oh, Merlin's tits!" said the hat. "The Room of Requirement is the obvious choice, boy. Put me on your head and let us go."

"I'll put you on my head when I'm good and ready," snapped Harry, but he stood wearily. He reached for the hat, but Ron got there first. The hat felt his tip enclosed in firm fingers and enjoyed a surge of excitement.

"Go on ahead Harry, Hermione. The hat and I are just going to have a little chat. We'll join you in a few minutes."

"Urp!" said the hat.

\-----

A few minutes later Ron was walking through the halls of the castle, whistling and swinging the hat from his left hand.

_Bloody bullying Weasleys_, thought the hat sulkily. _Not even letting me tease the boy. And being insufferably smug about it, too. Should have put him in Slytherin._

Still, the hat found he couldn't stay irritated for long. The three friends obviously loved each other, which was a good sign for the fate of the magical world. Heroes with emotional support, the hat had found over the years, usually did rather better than those without. _Plus,_ he thought with anticipation, _in a few moments I'll get to experience sex for the first time in a bloody century. A day doesn't get much better than that._

Ron pulled open the door to the Room of Requirement, and the hat snickered as he took in the décor. The room had provided the group with a very large version of one of the dormitory beds, complete with intricately carved posts and finials and canopy and hangings in Gryffindor colors. He supposed it would make them feel more relaxed, being in a familiar setting.

Harry and Hermione were sitting on the edge of the bed, Harry's feet swinging nervously. Hermione had her arm around him and was resting her head on his shoulder. Harry jumped away from her as Ron came in, and the hat wondered if he was imagining the way Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Relax," said Ron good-naturedly. "I'm not going to get all het up if you touch her, Harry. That's the whole point, you know?" Harry swallowed but relaxed back into Hermione's touch. Ron plopped the hat into the middle of the bed and without warning leaned in, dropping his lips to Harry's.

Harry squeaked in surprise, but only a few seconds later he was kissing Ron back. The hat enjoyed the way the trio looked together – two young and handsome boys, soft lips pressing together, Hermione's face flushing a becomingly rosy color as she eagerly watched them.

"My turn!" she demanded, pushing Ron away playfully and curling around Harry's shoulder to draw him into another sweet kiss. Ron laughed and wrapped his arms around both of them, sliding one hand into Hermione's bushy mop and the other onto the nape of Harry's neck. Harry shuddered at the sensation.

The kissing continued, the three of them trading positions – first Ron and Hermione, then Harry and Hermione, then Harry and Ron – and squirming heatedly as the tension built. Eventually, Hermione pulled away, tugging at the boys' clothes, and the hat took the opportunity.

"Pardon," he said archly, though inside he desperately wanted to be put on someone's head, to experience those kisses through the mind of a participant. "If you don't mind, could someone put me in position? It's rather chilly over here and I'd like to get started." The room warmed in response to his complaint and the hat quirked his brim amusedly. _Bloody literal castle._

Ron raised an eyebrow at him, but helped remove Harry's shirt before lifting him up onto Harry's head, first smoothing down the wild hair with a careful gesture. Harry was flushed with desire, his lips swollen from kissing. The hat sank down, already reaching out with his Legilimency towards Harry's thoughts and memories as Hermione helped tug him into place. He slid into Harry's consciousness gently, careful not to reveal how far he was invading the boy's head.

"All right," he said into Harry's mind. "Don't mind me for now. Just enjoy yourself. I'll guide you when we need to do something specific." He wanted a chance to savor the experience before he had to get down to business anyway.

Harry scooted himself backwards onto the bed, leaning back against the large pile of pillows, and Ron and Hermione followed. They all looked at each other.

"I, uh…" said Harry. "Can I…" The hat could feel Harry's doubts returning, creeping in through the cracks in the firm foundation of desire that he'd had only moments ago.

"Right," said Hermione firmly, and leaned down to lick at Harry's neck. Harry groaned, dropping his head backwards in shock and pleasure. Ron snorted and lifted Harry's glasses off, setting them carefully on a table that appeared to the side of the bed. As he turned back, he snuggled up against Harry's side, running his fingers up Harry's thigh and hip, over his stomach. The hat enjoyed the increase in Harry's heartbeat as Ron's calloused fingers rubbed over Harry's bare nipple.

"God," said Harry, arching into the touch. "God, please."

"Tell them what you want," whispered the hat. "Tell them what makes you hot, what makes you sweat with desire."

Harry shuddered. "Harder, Ron. God, yes, just like that." Ron's touch created just the right amount of pleasurable friction. Hermione's lips were still on his neck, but her hand came around to stroke the front of his trousers, lightly at first, and then more firmly as Harry moaned and lifted his hips to the rhythm of her hand. Then Ron was undoing Harry's trousers and pushing them down around his knees, and Hermione's soft fingers were sliding along his length. Ron's hand joined hers in stroking and squeezing, his lips nipping at Harry's chest. The sensation of the two of them combined was too much, and Harry couldn't stop himself from coming, crying out as he spilled over their joined hands.

"Wow," said Ron, his voice rough. "That was incredibly hot." Hermione's grin was smug as she tenderly caressed Harry's stomach. Harry's emotions swirled into the hat's mind, a mix of slowly renewing desire, surprised happiness, and a little embarrassment at how quickly they'd been able to bring him off.

Harry shook himself, his eyes drawn to the bulge of Ron's cock straining against the fabric of his trousers. He reached for his friend, undoing the buttons and trying not to let his fingers shake.

"Mmm, yeah," said Hermione, helping Ron pull his shirt over his head. Ron shucked his trousers and pants and Harry took the opportunity to kick his away as well. "You two look good," Hermione continued, beginning to unbutton her own shirt.

"What," said Ron, lips twitching in amusement, "you mean you've got a thing for knobbly knees? You naughty girl." Hermione laughed as the last of her buttons came undone, throwing back her head and exposing a long line of neck that made Harry's snicker turn into a cough as he hardened again. Ron gave him a knowing grin and turned over, straddling Harry's thigh and leaning in for another kiss. Harry was more confident now, sliding his tongue into Ron's mouth and reaching up to stroke his friend's chest.

A moment later Ron moaned as Hermione pressed herself against his back. She leaned over his shoulder, nudging his face aside and kissing Harry forcefully.

Sensation filled the hat's mind – the taste of Hermione's mouth, the slightly tangy scent of Ron's sweat. He wanted to lose himself in Harry's thoughts and forget about his own depressing existence, to tear himself from the enchanted hat and slip into Harry forever. But he knew he couldn't. Not only did he lack the physical ability to perform the necessary spells (how could a hat light a fire or stir a potion?), but it went against everything he believed about justice and goodness. He was bound to protect these children, bound by the forces that had created him and bound by his own ideas of right and wrong.

The hat sighed, and allowed himself one last moment of delicious abandon before turning his mind to the task they needed to accomplish.

"Go on, Harry," he urged. "Talk to them."

"Oh," said Harry, bucking his hips and sliding his cock next to Ron's. "I want… Hermione, can I touch you?"

Ron smirked and rolled to one side, still pushing himself against Harry's thigh but now reaching out with one hand to help Hermione remove her bra.

"Guh," said Harry and the hat held back a smirk. Hermione smiled, sliding up to straddle his other leg and guiding his hand to her breast. Her skin was soft under Harry's touch, her nipple hardening as he swept his thumb across it. He repeated the motion and she panted, twisting under their fingers and pumping her hips against Harry. Ron ducked his head, catching her nipple in his mouth, and she groaned. Harry could feel her wetness against his thigh as she rode against him, bushy hair sliding over one pale shoulder.

"I want…" he panted, "I want to be inside you. Want to feel you… god, both of you! Want Ron to fuck me hard while I'm in you."

Ron groaned. "Oh, yeah!" He looked around expectantly. The room promptly conjured some lube next to Harry's glasses on the side table and Ron reached for it, smirking. "On your side, I think," he suggested. Harry helped Hermione roll off him and remove her skirt and knickers, taking the opportunity to stroke his hands down her legs, to press kisses on the skin behind her knees. She laughed, the sound rich and deep, sliding a hand into his hair. Coming up again Harry kissed her, caressing her breasts and stomach as Ron's hands slid between his legs.

Ron's finger pressed into Harry and he started. The hat soothed him unobtrusively, urging Harry to press back against it, giving him a taste of the pleasure that was to come. Ron prepared him carefully, working another finger inside gently and sweeping them over Harry's prostate. Harry's hands tightened on Hermione's waist as he cried out in pleasure.

"All right, Harry?" said Ron into his ear. Harry nodded and Ron slowly entered him, leaning over Harry's shoulder to kiss Hermione who was arching against Harry's hands. Then Hermione was pulling herself closer, draping one leg over Harry and sliding herself onto his cock. Harry lost track of all thought as their warm bodies embraced him, Ron slowly fucking Harry from behind, Hermione drawing him into her slick folds against Ron's strokes. Harry's arms cradled Hermione even as he was held by Ron. They all moved together, as if they were one, united in pleasure.

"Incredible," moaned Hermione. "It's like I can feel both of you."

The hat let Harry's excitement build as the three friends tenderly fucked each other, stroking and kissing, Harry's hands on Hermione's arse, pulling her closer, Ron's hot breath in his ear. As Harry neared climax, something slithered in the back of his mind and the hat knew the time had come. The magic was building in the room.

"Tell them, Harry," he whispered into Harry's mind. "Tell them how you feel. You've wanted to say it for so long."

Harry panted, too far gone to resist the hat's suggestions.

"I… I love you. God, both of you. I love you so much."

The hat could feel the magic around them sing. The soul fragment was thrashing now, pulling itself away from the feelings rushing through Harry's brain. It may have been separated from Voldemort, but it was subject to the same weaknesses. He reached out with Legilimency, but the fragment fought against him, clinging to Harry's mind.

"Again," said the hat to Harry, more forcefully this time.

"I love you!" said Harry, desperately pressing himself towards each of them in turn. He moaned their names. "IloveyouIloveyou." The magic surged again.

The fragment was almost loose now, unable to stand the wave of love Harry was experiencing. The hat tightened his grip on it. He was afraid; the fragment was strong, stronger than any of those he'd helped exorcise before. Would this prove too much even for such a dedicated hero?

And then Hermione and Ron were breaking their kiss, shuddering as the magic brought them to climax in the same instant.

"We love you, Harry," said Ron.

"We've loved you for such a long time," said Hermione.

That was all it took. Voldemort's soul fragment wrenched itself free of Harry's mind, unable to stand the feeling of love that washed over him. The hat pounced, ripping it to shreds and pulling at Hogwarts' magic to feed the destruction. Then Harry was coming, too, throwing his head back onto Ron's chest and spilling himself into Hermione with a cry. The magic he generated was explosive, and the hat felt the soul fragment dissipate completely under its onslaught. Carefully he channeled the excess back into the castle's magical pool.

_Might as well put it to good use,_ he thought,_ even if it does mean Peeves will be insufferable for the next few weeks._ The hat sighed, his tip drooping in exhaustion. Beneath him, Harry shuddered out the last of his climax under Ron and Hermione's carefully tender caresses. The hat could sense the exact moment Harry's consciousness returned. He stiffened, then buried his face in Hermione's shoulder.

"Did it work?" he said, voice muffled.

"It worked perfectly, of course," said the hat aloud, hiding the fact that he'd had his doubts. They didn't need to know that. "I haven't lost one yet," he bragged.

"Oi!" said Ron. "How many times have you had to do this?" Simultaneously, Hermione inquired, "You've done this before?" Harry snickered.

"Certainly," said the hat. "You're my, hmmm, let's see… tenth, I believe. And one of the most stubborn, I don't mind telling you."

"Me or the Horcrux?" asked Harry.

"Both." They all laughed. Then Harry sobered and tried to pull away.

"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't think. I'll just go and let you two – " Hermione cut him off.

"Honestly, Harry," she said, sitting up and putting her hands on her hips. "We meant it, you know. We love you."

"Not… not like this, though."

"Yeah, like this." Ron sat up, too, pulling Harry to his chest. He rolled his eyes at Hermione. "I knew we should have said something first." She rolled her eyes back at him but inclined her head in acceptance, leaning over to kiss Harry's cheek. Ron continued. "Hermione and me, we've talked about this before. About… doing this. With you."

Harry's eyes were wide. "Oh. _Oh!_ Really?"

"Yes, really. Why d'you think we didn't have any objections? We love each other, a'course. But we love you, too."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll come and live with us," said Hermione. "After this is all over."

"After we kick Voldemort's arse, y'mean," Ron said cheerfully.

"Watch your mouth, Ronald!" she teased, and the hat felt Harry's heart ease.

"I'd like that," Harry said, and smiled.

"Good, that's settled." Hermione yawned. "Oh my! This was rather an exciting day, wasn't it?" Harry snickered.

"Not half." Then he yawned, too. "Maybe we could just rest here for a little bit. I'm sure the Headmistress won't mind. She said she wasn't going to be back until tomorrow."

"Mmmmph," said Ron, already pulling them back down to a prone position. Somehow the covers worked their way up over the trio as they cuddled together, but they took no notice. The hat, still on Harry's head but completely forgotten, wallowed down more firmly around his ears, letting his tip drape across the headboard.

Later he would rouse them and impart some of his wisdom for the battles ahead. Later he would tell them stories of Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore, the leader of the headless hunt, who had cut off his own head to destroy the Horcrux planted there, or of the ritual the hat had once presided over involving Uric the Oddball and Wendelin the Weird. Later he would teach them what they needed to know. For now he would bask in the warmth of the love Harry felt, and sleep.


End file.
